Therapists offer their expert advice on 19 methods to create better and healthier relationships

 

‘My number one question to people is: what could you do differently?’ Composite: GNM design/Getty

It's simple to get caught up in a vicious loop of disagreements and animosity with friends, family, your spouse, or coworkers. Here's how to get out of it.

Healthy relationships require work, but what can you do when the links in a relationship really need to be repaired? Therapists offer the following guidance on how to improve relationships with all the people in your life, including your mother and manager.

The key is communication

Couples therapist Joanna Harrison practices privately and is employed by Tavistock Relationships. "I see a lot of resentments that arise as problems brewing," the woman continues. "Even in the most mundane situations, they will manage to express themselves." Harrison laughs, "It was so not about shoes," after a recent fight about shoe shine with her spouse. She says that one method to deal with this is to start asking each other about their mental burdens. This is because many individuals feel like they have to take responsibility for things in their relationships that their spouse doesn't acknowledge or isn't appreciative for. "If those things—whether related to parenting, money worries, or simply thinking about the relationship—aren't acknowledged by a partner, that really builds up resentment."

Schedule a conversation time

Harrison's background as a divorce attorney gives him a special viewpoint in the treatment setting. Harrison assists in handling separation in "a more thoughtful way" if it is unavoidable, but the first step, according to her, is setting aside time to discuss your issues. "Time to talk about a relationship is often spontaneous, which can mean conflict," she says. "We all get so busy." Rather, schedule time to check in with each other, particularly during challenging times. "I believe that people seek therapy in order to ringfence time and space for introspection about what's happening."

Pay attention to and respect the emotions of the other person

Harrison claims that "people think we are going to come up with some magic solution to their problems if they come to therapy." In reality, people experience a sense of being accepted for their thoughts and emotions. Relationships don't need to be based on mutual agreement, but they will always be at odds if the partners refuse to accept each other's opinions. It's not necessary to agree on who is correct. You must demonstrate an understanding of the other person's perspective. Harrison suggests that once one person expresses how they are feeling, the other should echo back what they said to demonstrate that it has been heard.

In relationships, be authentic

‘If you are editing your feelings so as not to upset somebody, you become less and less of yourself.’ Composite: GNM design/Getty

Author of over 20 books, married therapist, and podcast presenter of The Meaningful Life Andrew G. Marshall says, "The biggest problem I find that brings people to my therapy office is they edit themselves." Sometimes it's not worth getting into a dispute over how often you clean the toilet, or maybe it makes your relationship more calm if you can put up with a little bit of your annoyance when your partner hums while moving around the apartment. However, there comes a point at which you start to lose yourself if you are suppressing your emotions to avoid upsetting people or because you get rejected every time you try to express your thoughts. Alternatively, you start changing into a person your partner doesn't know over time. For example, you don't talk to them about your newfound interest in meditation because you believe they won't be interested, and you're actually pulling away from them. Avoid editing.

Report any problems instead of resolving them 

Marshall defines reporting as saying something like, "I find it annoying when you walk around humming." You're saying, "I'm just annoyed with you about this," not, "I'm annoyed with you all the time." This is crucial because, unless you inform them, they might assume the wrong thing is winding you up. Acting out, according to him, is when you don't talk about any of this and it simply makes you crazy, to the point where the dam bursts and you yell at them for the humming. When you're acting out of rage or irritation, something will never work out properly.

Accept disagreement (on occasionally)

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Harrison has authored a book titled Five Arguments Every Couple (Needs to) Have, so he is well-versed in this subject. According to her, "conflict has an amazing potential to bring people closer" since it can bring up important topics. If a couple is fighting over anything, it's because they both care about those things. The best material usually doesn't come out during the dispute; instead, it might come out later, after one party has had a chance to clarify things. After that, you can review the debate and ask, "What was that really all about?" Then all of a sudden, there's a chance for more closeness and access to these levels of what was actually happening.

Reduce the standards you hold for other people

Psychotherapist Philippa Perry, the author of the best-selling book The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did), and Observer advice columnist, states that our expectations of family members are what prevents us from having positive relationships with them. She claims that individuals often believe, "You were raised in the same family, so why don't you think and feel like I do?" This is a particular problem in some sibling relationships. According to Perry, there can still be conflict with parents even though we are aware that they have experienced different things than us. "They have experiences and beliefs that they may not share with us since they are from a time before our birth that we are unaware of. With all they're saying you, you have to consider their perspective because they don't seem to be aware of how the world has evolved. Perry notes that in a pinch, this may be easier said than done: "Don't have expectations that individuals will be other than who they are. Your mother is Mrs. Critical, no question about it. She won't suddenly become a positive person, though. Her past experiences have taught her that we should be a little compassionate toward those who find it comfortable to assume the worst about everything and everyone.

Adversarial remarks might originate from a loving place

Perry states, "My parents might say, 'Oh, that's terribly difficult,' if I told them I think I'm going to write a book." It appears as though they are projecting their fear of failing onto you. But they're also attempting to keep you safe. Even though it doesn't always sound like it, you have to keep in mind that they are speaking from a place of love.

Don't push it if you aren't close to your family

According to Perry, "there is mutual impact and we change each other all the time in the best relationships." The secret to a close connection is that. However, unless you share their worldview, you won't be close if your parents aren't excellent at letting influence in. She tells you not to worry too much about this. Nothing indicates that you have to be attached at the hip. Instead of believing you must put yourself through it, you might want to think about visiting your parents less if you don't feel very close to them and you hate going to see them. But, she warns, you can run the danger of losing your place in the will.

When it's required, apologize

Perry's book contains advice on how to apologize to kids when you lose your cool or make mistakes. Any healthy relationship needs the ability to apologize for wrong behavior, but many of us struggle to do so. "To acknowledge, 'I reacted negatively to that,' does not destroy you. I apologize. We regain it when we provide an example of that behavior," she claims.

Recognize that interactions with kids don't always turn out the way we had hoped

Clinical psychologist Dr. Emma Svanberg, who practices at The Psychology Co-operative and is the author of Parenting for Humans: How to Parent the Child You Have, As the Person You Are, describes being a parent as "a really strange role." We are supposed to prioritize that role over everything else while avoiding incorporating it into our other responsibilities. And this is all taking place in a culture that values parenting but does not encourage it.

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This relates to the occasionally challenging issue of embracing your child: "We may occasionally not like certain aspects of their behavior or personality, and we may also have moments of hating them." Parenting involves ambivalence; we may experience both joy and sorrow at times, as well as hate and love. Occasionally, all at once. We can have more room to accept our kids for who they are when we accept these feelings.

When extremely difficult behavior arises, reflect back

With so many different parenting philosophies and approaches available, it can be intimidating to search for solutions. Svanberg advises "looking back on things that remind you that this is a sacred relationship" at particularly difficult times. Take a look at a sonogram and recall all the emotions you experienced upon learning you would be a parent to this child. Alternatively, go at newborn pictures and identify the special qualities your child has always had. This can help us remember the core of this person's personality, zoom out of difficult situations, and refocus on the relationship we want to develop.

Before attempting to restart a relationship, try rebooting yourself

Before you even attempt to make apologies after a fight with a child, Svanberg suggests "connecting with yourself first can help," so you're feeling centered, energized, and robust instead of exhausted and in need of the "fix." This indicates that you've readyed yourself to support them through any feelings they may have over the breakup, free from your own interference. It is also essential to take breaks from the job of parent whenever possible.

Set up planning sessions

According to Svanberg, family logistics can frequently lead to conflict, particularly as kids become older and need to run about a lot in addition to having an increasing demand for authority and autonomy. Holding a family gathering is therefore the ideal resolution. Svanberg says, "I usually recommend holding a weekly meeting where you can go over what needs to happen in the week." You can even involve your children in this. These days, there are a lot of useful tools available to assist you in assigning tasks. In my opinion, this is a crucial component of co-parenting as so many parents express stress and resentment about unfairness in the home, which can negatively affect family dynamics.

You shouldn't count on issues to be fixed right away

According to Marshall, "we want to try to get it over and done with and out the door as quickly as possible because most people don't like conflict." We talk for fifteen minutes, but it will take longer to resolve the true challenges that couples face, such as the fact that she makes more money than he does or that he dislikes her mother. Therefore, it is incorrect to assume that you would be able to resolve problems fast and simply. Take your time. You are able to return to it repeatedly.

Avoid fighting over who is right or wrong

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Marshall explains, "I've been doing this for almost 40 years, and I can't tell you how many times I've listened to people argue that they're right and you're wrong." He argues that no one has ever solved a problem in this manner. All that occurs is that someone will add something new or locate an instance where the other person was mistaken. And we simply keep going in circles. Your spouse shares your conviction that your opinions are correct to the same extent that you do. To find a third path, you both need to soften and have a greater understanding of each other's positions. Conflicts based on "I'm right, you're wrong" damage relationships.

Work out what you can change yourself

Marshall claims that it is far easier to think of 100 reasons why your partner should change than it is to think of just one for yourself. "The most important thing I ask folks is: what could you do differently? Since you are aware that it within your reach. The one hundred things your spouse could do differently don't exist.

Think about whether friendships are worthwhile to maintain

According to Sam Owen, a relationship coach, psychologist, and author of Happy Relationships, friendships are arguably the most significant relationships of all. "Even just one supportive friendship can boost our resilience, wellbeing, and happiness, and decrease stress, anxiety, and loneliness," says Owen. If you think you are drifting apart from someone, how can you get back in touch? Owen first advises making sure there is no valid reason for the breakup, such as your realization—however subliminal—that this relationship was no longer a good fit for you. If you are certain that you want this buddy back in your life, prepare your response in advance of sending a text or making a phone call. This will help you feel composed and confident rather than nervous and uncertain. To truly start the process of mending the relationship, schedule a phone conversation or in-person meeting; exchanging texts won't give you that chance. Select an activity that both of you enjoy. 

"So that they know you are not just expressing empty sentiments, address anything you need to address to remove the awkwardness head-on, compassionately and respectfully, fully owning anything you need to apologise for, even if it's just the lack of effort you've made with them, and explain why," suggests Owen. Together, take proactive steps to prepare for the future so that you can keep rebuilding. And be mindful of the signals you receive in return so, in the event that the effort they have put in along the way is not returned, you can determine whether or not to pursue the friendship further.

Treat people in the workplace the way you want to be treated

How can you build stronger bonds with everyone at work, from your line boss to your coworkers? Owen says, "Remember that you can show compassion for people even if you're not interested in becoming best friends with them." "That can entail spending some time, being kind, and paying attention to your coworkers without expecting anything in return other than compassion and respect." Since you are acquaintances rather than friends, keep in mind that you might not know a lot about them or the experiences they are having or have had in their lives. Be patient, avoid taking things personally unless there's a valid cause to do so, and give them the freedom to work to the best of their abilities. When necessary, assist them; however, never at your own expense. Giving them more authority will improve your working relationship, make the workplace more pleasant for both of you, and, as a bonus, maybe even earn their gratitude in return.